Daily Clean Jokes #35

Letter Of Approval

After trying a new shampoo for the first time, Morris mailed off an enthusiastic letter of approval to the manufacturer.

Several weeks later he came home from work to a large carton in the middle of the floor. Inside were free samples of the many products the same company produced: soaps, detergents, tooth paste, and paper items... with a "thank you" note from the manufacturer.

"Well, What do you think?" asked his smiling wife, Ruth.

"I think that next time," Morris replied. "I'm writing to General Motors."

Daily Clean Jokes #34

A Male Frog And The Psychic

A male frog goes to a psychic.

The psychic tells him, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

The frog becomes excited, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party?"

"No," says the psychic, "in her biology class."

Daily Clean Jokes #33

Please Shut Up

One fine morning whilst Lynn & Andrew were driving to Finsbury, a police officer pulls over their speeding car.

The officer says, "I clocked you at 160 km/hr, Sir."

The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 120, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting, Lynn says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, Andrew looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"

Lynn smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, Andrew glowers at Lynn and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic US$ 50 fine."

Andrew says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."

Lynn says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"

The officer looks over to Lynn and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

"Only when he's been drinking."

Daily Clean Jokes #32

Did You Ever Wonder?

Did you ever wonder?

Can you cry under water?

If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in"...but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

Daily Clean Jokes #31

Lend $2

One day a rich famous man went to buy a sports car from a dealership. The price of the car was $80'000 and the man had only $79'998 to pay.

The sales associate insisted that the price is firm and it has to be $80'000.

The man came out of the store, looked around and saw a poor man begging for help. He went toward him and introduced himself and asked if he is kind enough to lend him $2. The poor man asked the reason. He replied that he wanted to buy a car.

The poor man thought for a moment, gave the man $4 and said: "Please buy one for me too."

Daily Clean Jokes #30

Let's kill a pig!

An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary.

"Let's have a party Homer" she suggested. "Let's kill a pig!"

The farmer scratched his grizzled head. "Gee Ethel" he finally answered, "I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago."

Daily Clean Jokes #29

The FAA Recommendation

In a recent issue of "Meat & Poultry" magazine, editors quoted from "Feathers," the publication of the California Poultry Industry Federation, telling the following story: It seems the US Federal Aviation Administration has a unique device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. The device is a gun that launches a dead chicken at a plane's windshield at approximately the speed the plane flies. The theory is that if the windshield doesn't crack from the carcass impact, it'll survive a real collision with a bird during flight. It seems the British were very interested in this and wanted to test a windshield on a brand new, speedy locomotive they're developing. They borrowed the FAA's chicken launcher, loaded the chicken and fired. The ballistic chicken shattered the windshield, went through the engineer's chair, broke an instrument panel and embedded itself in the back wall of the engine cab. The British were stunned and asked the FAA to recheck the test to see if everything was done correctly.

The FAA reviewed the test thoroughly and had one recommendation:

"Use a thawed chicken".

Daily Clean Jokes #28

A School Teacher

A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. The classroom became a bit unruly and he admonished them. This happened several times. When he could do work at his desk, the strong breeze from the window made his tie flap annoyingly. He kept rearranging and rearranging the tie as the class raised its level of unruliness. Finally, becoming disgusted with the wayward tie, he stood up and took a big stapler off his desk and stapled the tie to his chest in several places.

Discipline was not a problem from that day forth.

Daily Clean Jokes #27

Liver and Cheese

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle. The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time. The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return. Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them

“The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me.”

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says “I love liver and cheese.”

“Oh, how childish,” said the Poodle. “That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever.”

She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and said “How well can you do?”

“Ummmm...I HATE liver and cheese,” blurts the Golden Retriever.

“My, my,” said the Poodle. “I guess it’s hopeless. That’s just as dumb as the Lab’s sentence.”

She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, “How about you, little guy?”

The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says...

“Liver alone. Cheese mine.”

Daily Clean Jokes #26

Sandwiches

Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat. The waiter became quite concerned and marched over and told them,

"You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!"

The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.

Daily Clean Jokes #25

Anecdotes

The elderly gentleman was obviously enjoying the company of a beautiful young lady in a lively party, when his wife came up to him and said, in an unnecessarily loud voice,

"Honey I hope you are not boring the poor child with anecdotes about your latest grandchild!"

Daily Clean Jokes #24

Lawsuit

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer.

"If I lose this case, I'll be ruined."

"It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer.

"Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?"

"Oh no! This judge is a stickler or ethical behaviour. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge."

Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favour of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer,

"Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked!"

"I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them."

"But, I did send them."

"What? You did?" said the lawyer, incredulously.

"Yes. That's how we won the case."

"I don't understand," said the lawyer.

"It's easy. I sent the cigars to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's business card."

Daily Clean Jokes #23

Fishing License

A couple of young boys were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track. All of a sudden, the Game Warden jumped out of the bushes. Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods like a bat out of hell. The Game Warden was hot on his heels. After about a half mile, the young man stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath, so the Game Warden finally caught up to him.

"Let's see yer fishin' license, Boy!" the Warden gasped.

With that, the boy pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license.

"Well, son," said the Game Warden, "you must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!"

"Yes, sir," replied the young guy, "but my friend back there, well, he doesn't have one."

Daily Clean Jokes #22

Interview

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young engineer who was fresh out of MIT, "What starting salary were you thinking about?"

The Engineer said,

"In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer said,

"Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"

The Engineer sat up straight and said,

"Wow! Are you kidding?"

The interviewer replied,

"Yeah, but you started it."

Daily Clean Jokes #21

Plant Some Lettuce

A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife:

"Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?"

The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter:

"Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money."

A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife:

"Dear Husband, You wouldn't believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up all the back garden."

The prisoner wrote another letter back:

"Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce."

Daily Clean Jokes #20

Chain Saw

A man walks into a hardware store and asks for a chain saw that will cut six trees in one hour. The salesman recommends the top of the line model. The man is suitably impressed, and buys it.

The next day he brings it back and says,

"This chainsaw is defective. It would only cut down one tree and it took THE WHOLE DAY!!"

The salesman takes the chain saw, starts it up to see what's wrong, and the man asks,

"What's that noise?"

Daily Clean Jokes #19

Dinner Party

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important guests. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails. Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a very inviting bar just a little further down the beach.

He kept thinking to himself,

"Wouldn't it be great to have just a little drink?"

So he went and ended up spending the whole night in that bar, finally falling asleep. At seven o'clock the next morning he suddenly realised,

"Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!" He grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time. He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said,

"Come on guys, we're almost there!!"

Daily Clean Jokes #18

Wrap Up

A picky customer comes to a small food shop and sees a new delivery of fresh fruit.

"Give me two kilograms of oranges and wrap every orange up in a separate piece of paper, please," he says to the saleswoman.

She does.

"And three kilograms of cherries, please, and wrap up every one in a separate piece of paper, too."

She does.

"And what is that there," he asks pointing out a bushel basket in the corner.

"Raisins," says the saleswoman, "but they are not for sale!"

Daily Clean Jokes #17

Mechanic

The helicopter lost power while flying over a remote Scottish island and was forced to make an emergency landing. Luckily there was a small cottage nearby. The pilot walked over to it and knocked on the door.

"Is there a Mechanic in the area?" he asked the woman who answered the door.

She scratched her head and thought for a few seconds.

"No," she finally said, pointing down the road, "but we do have a McArdle and a McKay."

Daily Clean Jokes #16

Sex Education

A unit in sex education was about to begin, and each student had to bring in a permission slip in order to take it. A boy handed in his slip and explained to the teacher,

“My mom says I can take the course as long as there’s no homework.’

Daily Clean Jokes #15

June

A man really loved a woman, but he was just too shy to propose to her. Now he was up in his years and neither of them had ever been married. Of course, they dated about once a week for the past six years, but he was so timid he just never got around to suggesting marriage much less living together.

But one day, he became determined to ask her the question. So he calls her on the phone,

"June?"

"Yes, this is June."

"Will you marry me?"

Daily Clean Jokes #14

A Note

They were married, but since the argument they had a few days earlier, they hadn't been talking to each other.
Instead, they were giving each other written notes.
One evening he gave her a paper where it said:

"Wake me up tomorrow morning at 6 am."

The next morning he woke up and saw that it was 9 am.
Naturally he got very angry, but as he turned around he found a note on his pillow saying:

"Wake up, it's 6 am!"

Daily Clean Jokes #13

Potato Ship

Two sea monsters were swimming around in the ocean, looking for something to do. They came up underneath a ship that was hauling potatoes. Bob, the first sea monster, swam underneath the ship, tipped it over and ate everything on the ship.

A little while later, they came up to another ship, again hauling potatoes. Bob again capsizes the ship and eats everything onboard.

The third ship they found was also hauling potatoes and Bob once again capsized it and ate everything.

Finally his buddy Bill asked him, 'Why do you keep tipping over those ships full of potatoes and eating everything on board?'

Bob replied, 'I wish I hadn't, but I just can't help myself once I start. Everyone knows you can't eat just one potato ship.'

Daily Clean Jokes #12

Somebody Under The Bed

Shakey went to a psychiatrist.

'Doc,' he said, 'I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. Then, when I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Doc, you've gotta help me, I'm going crazy!'

'Just put yourself in my hands for two years,' said the psychiatrist. 'Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears.'

'How much do you charge?'

'My fee is $500 per visit.'

'That's awfully expensive, Doc,' reckoned Shakey. 'Let me sleep on it, and I'll get back to you.'

Six months later, the doctor and Shakey crossed paths.

'Why didn't you ever come to see me again?' asked the psychiatrist.

'For a visit? Well, a bartender cured me for Free!'

'How do you figure?' asked the psychiatrist.

'He told me to cut the legs off the bed!'

Daily Clean Jokes #11

A Jar of Peanuts
An old man and a young man work together in an office. The old man always has a jar of peanuts on his desk. The young man loves peanuts.

One day, while the old man is away from his desk, the young man yields to temptation and scarfs down over half of the old man's peanuts. When the old man returns, the young man feels guilty and confesses to taking the peanuts.

'That's OK,' the old man replies after a moment.

'Since I lost my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off the M&Ms.'

Daily Clean Jokes #10

Who's The Boss

A retiring farmer in preparation for selling his land, needed to rid his farm of animals. So he went to every house in his town. To the houses where the man is the boss, he gave a horse. To the houses where the woman is the boss, a chicken was given.

He got toward the end of the street and saw a couple outside gardening.

"Who's the boss around here?" he asked.

"I am." said the man.

"I have a black horse and a brown horse," the farmer said, "which one would you like?"

The man thought for a minute and said, "The black one."

"No, no, no, get the brown one." the man's wife said.

"Here's your chicken." said the farmer.

Daily Clean Jokes #9

Soup Du Jour

When the waitress in a New York City restaurant brought him the soup du jour, the Englishman was a bit dismayed.

"Good heavens," he said, "what is this?"

"Why, it's bean soup," she replied.

"I don't care what it has been," he sputtered. "What is it now?"

Daily Clean Jokes #8

Mealtime On a Small Airline

It was mealtime on a small airline and the flight attendant asked the passenger if he would like dinner.

"What are my choices?" he asked.

"Yes or No," she replied.

Daily Clean Jokes #7

Two Molecules

Two molecules are walking down the street and they run into each other. One says to the other:

"Are you all right?"

"No, I lost an electron!"

"Are you sure?"

"I'm positive!"

Daily Clean Jokes #6

Out Of Fuel

Cessna: "Jones tower, Cessna 12345, student pilot, I am out of fuel."

Tower: "Roger Cessna 12345, reduce airspeed to best glide!! Do you have the airfield in sight?!?!!"

Cessna: "Uh...tower, I am on the south ramp; I just want to know where the fuel truck is."