Monday, December 12, 2005

Daily Clean Jokes #48

Loss Wife

Tom and Harry bumped into each other in a supermarket.

Tom says, “I can’t find my wife in this shop.”

Harry replies, “Funny that, I am looking for my wife too. What does yours look like?”

Tom describes his wife. “She’s 5’10”, blonde, blue eyes, slim and rather beautiful with a gorgeous smile. And your wife? What does she look like?”.

“Forget it”, says Harry, “let’s look for your wife.”

Sunday, December 11, 2005

Daily Clean Jokes #47

Cow On The Track

A passenger train is creeping along, slowly. Finally it creaks to a halt. One of the passengers sees a conductor walking by outside.

"What's going on?" he yells out the window.

"Cow on the track!" replies the conductor.

Ten minutes later, the train resumes its slow pace. Within five minutes, however, it stops again. The man sees the same conductor walk again.

He leans out the window and yells,

"What happened? Did we catch up with the cow again?"

Saturday, December 10, 2005

Daily Clean Jokes #46

Food, Family, and Philosophy


A boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to talk about. He asks his father for advice.

The father replies: "My son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy."

The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain. Ice cream sodas in front of them, they stare at each other for a long time, as the boy's nervousness builds.

He remembers his father's advice, and chooses the first topic.

He asks the girl: "Do you like spinach?"

She says "No," and the silence returns.

After a few more uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his father's suggestion and turns to the second item on the list.

He asks, "Do you have a brother?"

Again, the girl says "No" and there is silence once again.

The boy then plays his last card. He thinks of his father's advice and asks the girl the following question:

"If you had a brother, would he like spinach?"

Friday, December 09, 2005

Daily Clean Jokes #45

More Over


A psychiatrist visited a California mental institution and asked a patient,

"How did you get here? What was the nature of your illness?"

He got the following reply.

"Well, it all started when I got married and I guess I should never have done it. I married a widow with a grown daughter who then became my stepdaughter.

My dad came to visit us, fell in love with my lovely stepdaughter, then married her. And so my stepdaughter was now my stepmother. Soon, my wife had a son who was, of course, my daddy's brother-in-law since he is the half-brother of my stepdaughter, who is now, of course, my daddy's wife.

So, as I told you, when my stepdaughter married my daddy, she was at once my stepmother! Now, since my new son is brother to my stepmother, he also became my uncle. As you know, my wife is my step-grandmother since she is my stepmother's mother. Don't forget that my stepmother is my stepdaughter. Remember, too, that I am my wife's grandson.

But hold on just a few minutes more. You see, since I'm married to my step-grandmother, I am not only the wife's grandson and her hubby, but I am also my own grandfather. Now can you understand how I got put in this place?"

After staring blanky with a dizzy look on his face, the psychiatrist replied:

"Move over!"

Thursday, December 08, 2005

Daily Clean Jokes #44

Job At The Zoo


An unemployed guy got a new job at the Zoo. They offered him to dress up in a Gorilla's skin and pretend to be a Gorilla so people will keep coming to the Zoo.

On his first day on the job, the guy puts on the skin and goes into the cage. The people all cheer to see him. He starts really putting on a show, jumping around, beating his chest and roaring.

During one acrobatic attempt, though, he loses his balance and crashes through some safety netting, landing square in the middle of the lion cage! As he lies there stunned, the lion roars. He's terrified and starts screaming, "Help, Help"!

The lion races over to him, places his paws on his chest and hisses, "shut up or we'll both lose our jobs!"

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Daily Clean Jokes #43

Work For A Zoo Veterinarian


A man went to work for a zoo veterinarian.

"Look in the lion's mouth," the vet told him.

"How do I do that?" he asked.

"Carefully," replied the vet.

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Daily Clean Jokes #42

5-Year-Old Child


A country doctor went way out to the Boondocks to deliver a baby.

It was so far out, there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the labouring mother and her 5-year-old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see, while he helped the woman deliver the baby.

The child did so, the mother pushed and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.

The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby.

"Hit him again," the 5-year-old said. "He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!"

Monday, December 05, 2005

Daily Clean Jokes #41

I'm A PANDA!


A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts,

"Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"

The panda yells back at the manager, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!"

The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda:

"A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white colouring. Eats shoots and leaves."

Sunday, December 04, 2005

Daily Clean Jokes #40

A Farmer and His Wife


A farmer and his wife had just woken up one morning to the crowing of their rooster. While still in bed, the farmer's wife says,

"Pa, you know our neighbor Mr. Jones?"

"Yes Ma, I reckon I do," replied the sleepy farmer.

"Well, every morning before he leaves the house for work, he gives his wife a big ol' kiss. Why don't you ever do that?"

The farmer sighed and said,

"Well, I reckon I can, but I just don't know her very well."

Saturday, December 03, 2005

Daily Clean Jokes #39

A Man


A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.

"I'd love to be eight again." she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her off to the local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, every thing there was. Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald's where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to the movies: the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, and her favourite lolly and M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked,

"Well, Dear, what was it like being eight again?"

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

"I meant my dress size!!!!!!!"

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he's gonna get it wrong.

Friday, December 02, 2005

Daily Clean Jokes #38

Albert Einstein And His Chauffeur


When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.

"I have an idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you." Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!" When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly.

Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool. Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."

Thursday, December 01, 2005

Daily Clean Jokes #37

Red Truck


In 1940 two men were flying from New York to Los Angeles on what was then a new DC-3. They left New York and when they landed in Philadelphia, a red truck drove up to put fuel into the wing.

A little while later, they landed in Pittsburgh and, again, a red truck pulled up to fill the tanks with fuel.

Each time they landed to discharge or take on passengers, a red truck would pull up and add fuel to the tanks. Finally, after landing in Kansas City and seeing the truck pull up again, one said to the other,

"We sure are making good time."

Said the other, "Yes, we are, and so is that red truck!"

Daily Clean Jokes #36

Half Of The Road


A police officer was investigating an accident on a two-lane, narrow road in which the drivers had hit virtually head-on.

One driver, an extremely elderly woman, kept repeating,
"He wouldn't let me have my half of the road!"

After gathering as much information as possible, he angrily approached the other driver, who was examining his own damage. The police officer asked,
"That old lady says that you wouldn't let her have her half of the road. Why not?"

In exasperation, the man turns from his smashed car and says,
"Officer, I would have been HAPPY to give her half of the road --- if she had just let me know WHICH half she wanted!!!!"