Daily Clean Jokes #42

5-Year-Old Child

A country doctor went way out to the Boondocks to deliver a baby.

It was so far out, there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the labouring mother and her 5-year-old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see, while he helped the woman deliver the baby.

The child did so, the mother pushed and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.

The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby.

"Hit him again," the 5-year-old said. "He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!"

Daily Clean Jokes #41

I'm A PANDA!

A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts,

"Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"

The panda yells back at the manager, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!"

The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda:

"A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white colouring. Eats shoots and leaves."

Daily Clean Jokes #40

A Farmer and His Wife

A farmer and his wife had just woken up one morning to the crowing of their rooster. While still in bed, the farmer's wife says,

"Pa, you know our neighbor Mr. Jones?"

"Yes Ma, I reckon I do," replied the sleepy farmer.

"Well, every morning before he leaves the house for work, he gives his wife a big ol' kiss. Why don't you ever do that?"

The farmer sighed and said,

"Well, I reckon I can, but I just don't know her very well."

Daily Clean Jokes #39

A Man

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.

"I'd love to be eight again." she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her off to the local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, every thing there was. Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald's where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to the movies: the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, and her favourite lolly and M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked,

"Well, Dear, what was it like being eight again?"

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

"I meant my dress size!!!!!!!"

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he's gonna get it wrong.

Daily Clean Jokes #38

Albert Einstein And His Chauffeur

When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.

"I have an idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you." Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!" When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly.

Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool. Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."

Daily Clean Jokes #37

Red Truck

In 1940 two men were flying from New York to Los Angeles on what was then a new DC-3. They left New York and when they landed in Philadelphia, a red truck drove up to put fuel into the wing.

A little while later, they landed in Pittsburgh and, again, a red truck pulled up to fill the tanks with fuel.

Each time they landed to discharge or take on passengers, a red truck would pull up and add fuel to the tanks. Finally, after landing in Kansas City and seeing the truck pull up again, one said to the other,

"We sure are making good time."

Said the other, "Yes, we are, and so is that red truck!"

Daily Clean Jokes #36

Half Of The Road

A police officer was investigating an accident on a two-lane, narrow road in which the drivers had hit virtually head-on.

One driver, an extremely elderly woman, kept repeating,
"He wouldn't let me have my half of the road!"

After gathering as much information as possible, he angrily approached the other driver, who was examining his own damage. The police officer asked,
"That old lady says that you wouldn't let her have her half of the road. Why not?"

In exasperation, the man turns from his smashed car and says,
"Officer, I would have been HAPPY to give her half of the road --- if she had just let me know WHICH half she wanted!!!!"

Daily Clean Jokes #35

Letter Of Approval

After trying a new shampoo for the first time, Morris mailed off an enthusiastic letter of approval to the manufacturer.

Several weeks later he came home from work to a large carton in the middle of the floor. Inside were free samples of the many products the same company produced: soaps, detergents, tooth paste, and paper items... with a "thank you" note from the manufacturer.

"Well, What do you think?" asked his smiling wife, Ruth.

"I think that next time," Morris replied. "I'm writing to General Motors."

Daily Clean Jokes #34

A Male Frog And The Psychic

A male frog goes to a psychic.

The psychic tells him, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

The frog becomes excited, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party?"

"No," says the psychic, "in her biology class."

Daily Clean Jokes #33

Please Shut Up

One fine morning whilst Lynn & Andrew were driving to Finsbury, a police officer pulls over their speeding car.

The officer says, "I clocked you at 160 km/hr, Sir."

The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 120, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting, Lynn says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, Andrew looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"

Lynn smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, Andrew glowers at Lynn and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic US$ 50 fine."

Andrew says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."

Lynn says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"

The officer looks over to Lynn and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

"Only when he's been drinking."

Daily Clean Jokes #32

Did You Ever Wonder?

Did you ever wonder?

Can you cry under water?

If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in"...but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

Daily Clean Jokes #31

Lend $2

One day a rich famous man went to buy a sports car from a dealership. The price of the car was $80'000 and the man had only $79'998 to pay.

The sales associate insisted that the price is firm and it has to be $80'000.

The man came out of the store, looked around and saw a poor man begging for help. He went toward him and introduced himself and asked if he is kind enough to lend him $2. The poor man asked the reason. He replied that he wanted to buy a car.

The poor man thought for a moment, gave the man $4 and said: "Please buy one for me too."

Daily Clean Jokes #30

Let's kill a pig!

An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary.

"Let's have a party Homer" she suggested. "Let's kill a pig!"

The farmer scratched his grizzled head. "Gee Ethel" he finally answered, "I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago."

Daily Clean Jokes #29

The FAA Recommendation

In a recent issue of "Meat & Poultry" magazine, editors quoted from "Feathers," the publication of the California Poultry Industry Federation, telling the following story: It seems the US Federal Aviation Administration has a unique device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. The device is a gun that launches a dead chicken at a plane's windshield at approximately the speed the plane flies. The theory is that if the windshield doesn't crack from the carcass impact, it'll survive a real collision with a bird during flight. It seems the British were very interested in this and wanted to test a windshield on a brand new, speedy locomotive they're developing. They borrowed the FAA's chicken launcher, loaded the chicken and fired. The ballistic chicken shattered the windshield, went through the engineer's chair, broke an instrument panel and embedded itself in the back wall of the engine cab. The British were stunned and asked the FAA to recheck the test to see if everything was done correctly.

The FAA reviewed the test thoroughly and had one recommendation:

"Use a thawed chicken".

Daily Clean Jokes #28

A School Teacher

A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. The classroom became a bit unruly and he admonished them. This happened several times. When he could do work at his desk, the strong breeze from the window made his tie flap annoyingly. He kept rearranging and rearranging the tie as the class raised its level of unruliness. Finally, becoming disgusted with the wayward tie, he stood up and took a big stapler off his desk and stapled the tie to his chest in several places.

Discipline was not a problem from that day forth.

Daily Clean Jokes #27

Liver and Cheese

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle. The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time. The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return. Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them

“The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me.”

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says “I love liver and cheese.”

“Oh, how childish,” said the Poodle. “That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever.”

She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and said “How well can you do?”

“Ummmm...I HATE liver and cheese,” blurts the Golden Retriever.

“My, my,” said the Poodle. “I guess it’s hopeless. That’s just as dumb as the Lab’s sentence.”

She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, “How about you, little guy?”

The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says...

“Liver alone. Cheese mine.”

Daily Clean Jokes #26

Sandwiches

Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat. The waiter became quite concerned and marched over and told them,

"You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!"

The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.

Daily Clean Jokes #25

Anecdotes

The elderly gentleman was obviously enjoying the company of a beautiful young lady in a lively party, when his wife came up to him and said, in an unnecessarily loud voice,

"Honey I hope you are not boring the poor child with anecdotes about your latest grandchild!"

Daily Clean Jokes #24

Lawsuit

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer.

"If I lose this case, I'll be ruined."

"It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer.

"Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?"

"Oh no! This judge is a stickler or ethical behaviour. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge."

Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favour of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer,

"Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked!"

"I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them."

"But, I did send them."

"What? You did?" said the lawyer, incredulously.

"Yes. That's how we won the case."

"I don't understand," said the lawyer.

"It's easy. I sent the cigars to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's business card."

Daily Clean Jokes #23

Fishing License

A couple of young boys were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track. All of a sudden, the Game Warden jumped out of the bushes. Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods like a bat out of hell. The Game Warden was hot on his heels. After about a half mile, the young man stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath, so the Game Warden finally caught up to him.

"Let's see yer fishin' license, Boy!" the Warden gasped.

With that, the boy pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license.

"Well, son," said the Game Warden, "you must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!"

"Yes, sir," replied the young guy, "but my friend back there, well, he doesn't have one."